And my smelly shoes
keep me indoors
Smeared by the musty humidity of age
conscious of the self negating pusillanimous odours
And a single word announces 7 possible
destinations, tantalising…

But the death grip of sanity
indecision again

The fear of being here
cancelled by a fear of being near.
A strange familiar paralysis
unrecognised movement….


Drowned feelings
drowned by an emotional unconscious
Preventing propelling action ..



Approaching the front door to the apartment building, that day. Just then, just before I come inside. Well – and this is a little embarrassing really – well I well I went to ring the buzzer – hoping that someone might be there – someone there to let me in – Only I live alone, their alone almost always, all the time, what wishful thinking was this – I thought to let myself in. But when I went to alert myself to let myself in it was simply true that I wasn’t there, outside and not inside. But hey who had the key in his hand, so what the hell I let myself in!

And this sort of puts the mind to all the people who recently – All the people who recently sent messages saying how glad they where, how happy to have met, and yet who are they these people, that I’ve no recollection of having met and those whom have no sound?

These people who’ve been fascinated, amazed, interested in our company. So much as to send a message to let it be known how pleased to meet they have been. Not happy to have wished glad tidings when we met. Only we never met – we had not actually ever been in each others company!
I mean, let me tell you what I mean really, we are on the same planet I suppose but often when we’ve met we haven’t even been in the same county let alone besides each other – It warms your heart really to have such distant warmth. Ahhhhh…. my long distance acquaintance – or Love at a distant quarter, shall we pay a visit?

A psychologist might worry of course – worry me that is – He’d go – You don’t remember do you – and I’m like not wont usually to remember events that haven’t happened – and even the odd time that I do I usually remember to remember I just wasn’t actually there that day. But these guys can be pretty stubborn (remembering them not so distant from dreaming)
“You don’t remember do you” and I’m like – where you there when all this happened? No?
“Oh! I see you don’t remember do you?”
No, I have to admit – Not especially capable of memory feats, remembering facts is hard enough for me, fantasies well nigh impossible – I spent months trying to remember the name of – Oh! You remember her, that famous actress – in that blockbuster movie she was – You know the one – No! I don’t remember.
She’s like “Like the time you fancied some of somebodies body parts so much you had to take them home with you.”
No I certainly don’t remember that do I – Hardly memorable it is..
“You don’t remember do you”… That was a dream and I never took them home – they went under my coat down by the beach, see I don’t remember event’s that never happened do I :-p
“Ah! You don’t remember do you.” – I’m sure there would have been an investigation if that was the case – And a trial, not this trial K. If I can’t remember this stuff now how could I remember to forget it?
Tea, ‘Your so repressed you care’
Where you there – did you witness this – what year is it anyway? – Precisely how long is it that long that I’ve been away?
“You don’t remember …” But how would you know, you know nothing about me (so you keep saying and less and less as time moves on, so good forgetting you are!)
“Respect now but I’m this doctor now you know, I know everything and anything I don’t know, I just make it up, certified to manufacture truth, my opinions are firmer than scientific measurements in Fact! (But if they turn out to be wrong don’t get me wrong, there are others where they came from, see Look into my hat here> . In act my opinions are sanctified facts in fact – My clinical judgement protected by law from been accounted for, You can’t argue with that now can you?

Now tell me, where where we ah You don’t remember this do you now!” “NO, so totally escaped my head I doubt it ever made it in in fact …..
My fantasies became your realities did they not, My opinions the facts of your life (what’s left of it!) – Your experience is nothing in the face of the trivial horrible fictions I prescribe. Your reality which must be supped from the cup of my banalities learnt by rota of forgetting your humanity –

You must volunteer to learn for I cannot teach (no experience here) So glad we are for you to assume responsibility for creating the realities functionality we’ve (we work as a team to delimit) imposed on the story we’ve allowed ourselves (in the limited time we make) to tell about you – But you must tell it now show them we have no more time… See we own and control you as you allow but you have forced me to try to change, try to change what I’m going to reset in imagine – “I can’t remember.”
Now you must accept the reality I ascribe to you that you have created the reality I created for you – Now do not argue, back, as your mind constructs the reality ascribed for you – Now as I describe but in the conflicted between what you know you imagine and experienced and the tedious trite degradation of potential and actual human life I ascribe –
Frustrating isn’t it – “Don’t you remember”
No I don’t remember, Get me out of here wherein we cannot leave our escape.

We are so so wrong to feel that feelings are things to be bought up and accumulated or dispossessed of to be placed like a monkey on the scapegoats back and cast out through her – They are created and/or dissolved every second as we assess our embedded interaction with a world we cannot know but must always learn to learn what it is in fact, let it care sometimes as we care for ourselves.

But then indeed we ask where in fact does love go when love is gone? Nowhere in fact it is not in fact always ready to appear once imagined fears and their manufacturers realities lies are torn and recede beneath the prism of our fantasies.

If someone tells you to not believe anything they say should you believe them? And on a brighter note I’ve discerned that logical positivists cannot have any friends. Friendship being a rather subjective quality in a relationship which is non-measurable and non-observable, (at least by regular scientific instruments). As such Logical Positivists must dismiss such happenings as meaningless and irrelevant (miserable pusses!!!!).

-“if someone tells me they are not worth it or theyre a liar i generally dont bother about them and jsut ignore them till they go away especially if they say they are bad for me or im too good forthem i jsut take them at their word and walk away..so i have no idea if theres any truth to it all cos i just take them literally and piss off. but then i might do that if they said they were genuine too. Generally people who make any kind of claims about themselves good bad or indifferent annoy me.”

Ahh!! So that is how you get out of a black hole. Marvellous, I’d be tempted to say good enough for me but I never say good enough for me, won’t even admit to thinking good enough for me, at least to myself. Thank you!

-“no idea what your bablin about now but your welcome anyway:) and if girls say theyre fat jsut agree with them… i love pointing out to my friends how right they are baotu that..they suddenly become self confidenet and admit that they know theyre gorgeous! Lol!”

Now, don’t be encouraging me to think that no-one understands. I might then start to feel like a teenager, dangerously regressive. Not now, that’s no babbling – that’s carefully crafted someplace, it took days to gestate – arrived in the bath last night as I was washing the putrefying corpses of dead flies that encrusted my russet skin.

Let’s just say we’re having two separate conversations here which maybe about to collide into one about mind-body duality and futility thereof! They have just announced some evidence for quantum entanglement. (Heard this on the
Radio which was mostly about the banking crisis and such yet unresolved matters. No one was present to defend the banks as no doubt all financiers and apologists where busy on this damp, moist and wet Sunday counting their ever larger bonuses, can’t beat I suppose but there money is rapidly losing any meaning as it descends into dots on a monitor.)

Anyhow the view at CERN is that some evidence for quantum entanglement has been found. The capture of Higg’s Boson (they had to let him go mind- who say’s the law is an ass) seems to put a kybosh on many physicists notions that the material objective reality so beloved of contemporary society is just an illusion, constructed by human minds to make sense of existence (and maybe to just make it possible). The claimed is for just the wave-energy probability distribution and not that of the particle. Quantum entanglement is derived from the basic math of particle physics I think and the Irish Theoretical physicist John Bell made a significant contribution. Basically it relate to the interconnectedness of all things. i.e. that any energy distributions which collide will forever remain entangled and have a sort of memory of each other.


So if you should be missing a loved one on this dreary Sunday afternoon you may just need to reach out in space and time (and other illusions?) and fill your heart with the love you miss but need and deserve! However it’s always best to remember Einstein’s comment that “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality”. But then we can get too much reality sometimes! And it’s handy to have someone close when trying this out anyhow’s.

Anyhow back to our Boson – Bodies may indeed exist and beauty not all in the eye of the beholder. Fat Broads or Skinny bitches, it’s all relative really, isn’t it? Most of the female population (in the west anyhow) being on an almost permanent diet and continually encouraged to believe they are the wrong weight. Do they feel they are taking up too much space? Even emaciated anorexics are still on a diet – cannot give it up – and realise that there is no control – accept their helpless and powerless predicament – (I somewhat admire their persistence but bemoan such a choice). But still there are choices to be made – but maybe not where we think they are –

Oh!! Go hide in a cupboard, I might join you, this is getting scary!!! BOO! HOO!!!

Desperate housebinds.

I write this in memory of the privileged, luxuriant, peaceful life of the suburbs. A veritable idyll we all aspire to expect in the midst of adolescence when we bemoan it’s boredom while secretly (unconsciously) fearing the ruthless pursuit of capital we must endure to secure our future aspiration.
No Doubt the guilt conditions us to remind ourselves constantly that the world is a very dangerous place filled with lying cheating deceiving monsters who will destroy you at any moment, given half the chance (did I marry one?)
There are of course the dole scroungers who wilfully lazy, lie cheat and deceive, stealing your money to fund a luxurious lifestyle – Living in mansions with Hi Def flat screen TVs, smart phone’s – drinking and scoffing all day all at taxpayers (your) expense –
Then there are the politicians, lying and cheating and deceiving who let them get away with this outrage (nay encourage it!). They live in mansions with Hi Def TVs, smart phone’s, drinking and scoffing all day at taxpayers expense (can’t they spend our money more sensibly.
Oh let me keep it I’d do a better job.) Also we have these illegal immigrants wilfully lazy scrounging away living in mansions with HD TVs, smart phone’s, drinking and scoffing away at taxpayers expense.
And those lying cheating deceiving politicians who refuse to help the homeless get a flat and get off their backsides and work, they are a menace on the high street, I think I’ll just stay at home and watch the shopping channel or browse the inter web.
What happened to old England – it’s dead and gone (OH deary me) the place is now filled with all those cheating lying shameless scroungers, feral children, feral politicians, illegal immigrants.
(And my daughter married a foreigner(she’s not the marrying kind but he was about to be deported) he’s so nice and polite though and works hard _ The wedding was the best day of my life (but she rarely calls now, I miss her so, our little chats))
And Crime don’t talk about the menace of thuggery and theft – It’s just not safe to walk the streets. You’ll be mugged by some lying cheating deceiving punk politician – And I worry about my daughter, men are all just mad rapists now –
We aren’t safe in our own homes any more. I have to lock and bolt the doors and alarm my house – It could be broken into late at night. Will Will protect me, does he even love me any more, did he ever?
My Children are gone, my looks are gone, the drugs don’t work (look it says so here) Light a candle turn to the supplement supplement, I need to relax. Awe… I just turned into my mother (I miss her so)! Just another middle aged, middle class Paranoid suburban housewife!
They could break into the house in the middle of the night and attack you! But they never do… sigh!!
And those ecologists preaching that the world is running out, we are nearing Armageddon. They make me feel so helpless and powerless. The guilt of pursuing the western consumer dream –
Oh! When! Oh! When will I live in a mansion with a HD flat screen TV, smart phone, I just want to drink, to scoff and lie about all day.
Those climate change deniers, they say nothing to worry about, nothing can change, everything is always changing. Humanity is too puny and affect less to change our climate. Oh! They make me feel so powerless and helpless all day …..
Oh! What’s this ‘Fifty shades of Grey’- That’s a perfect description of my life – No colour but you can’t complain – There’s plenty of variety.
And they could break into your home at dead of night and attack you… But they never do (sigh).
Oh read this, look, throw out the aromatherapy, the vitamins, and just pour the fish oil over me. I can’t stand the tension any more, tie me up and whip me, see I’m afraid of being harmed so relieve my fear and harm me, Now!
Oh! The dreadful, the dreadful has already happened, What next? More of the same, I suppose?
It’s like baking a cake really- all the ingredients might be are individually inedible or nasty but mixed together in the right proportions and add enough heat makes for a sweet tasting delicious concoction that rots your teeth and makes you feel fat, ugly and superfluous.